So I'm going to try to be serious here.
I've been a jerk lately. Not just any sort of jerk but a very bitter and nasty person. A lot of things have beem setting me off.
I have no clue.
I've had problems with this before, I got over it got myself back and moved on. I was never so hateful before. I was shy, and mousy. The fat girl with poofy hair who sat off in the corner drawing. I took every insult thrown my way and I kept everything to myself just as I thought it should. But I never lashed out.
But it seemed somewhere down the line I managed to turn into some toxic person who does nothing but bring people down. And the worst part is I don't see it as I've see it as I've done nothing wrong.
I'm quick to believe people are tired of me and moved on. And I grow upset, then I get mad, then I start hating them to the point I lash out worse.
When in reality the reason people leave me is because I was being mean in the first place.
I noted I also have tendancy to get jealous over things quickly.
I can't explain why I started behaving this way again. The last time I was sure I was done with it and I burried the thing a long time ago.
A friend of mine moved away with someone she had just met Several states away, I'd most likely never see her again. I felt confused and betrayed. I had known the girl seven years and she leaves with someone so quickly.
But I sucked it up, until the roommate's friend started attacking me. I don't know what did it but I started lashing out at everything then. To the point neither of them wanted to talk to me.
But through a slap in the face I realized what I was doing. I still talk to my friend, though we have changed. She even plans to visit me.
But something has made me start it up again. Hurting several of my online friends.
I can't even blame it on that woman who attacked me this time. Because I have no idea what is wrong with me. or if I in general am a bad person.Or is it I'm just stressed and exhausted? I can't even say because they all sound like excuses for what is no doubt my fault.
So before I say more I want to apologize to everyone I hurt. Most of you know who you are and for your privacy I won't say. People who don't know I'm sending you this to make sure you read it and know that I'm going to do something about my actions.
I don't know if it's something mental, if it's stress, or if I'm just an ass.
But I'm going to see help.
And I'm going to stop this.
Until then I'm quitting DA. I won't be posting anything and I'm not going to log on. I will be quitting all my groups. I apologize for the inconvenience if you all want to reach me. But I don't want to be reached until this is over.
I know I've been a terrible person to so many of you. and I hate being so dramatic. and I'm not reaching out for pity, or to make excuses. But I do care for you all. Even if it doesn't seem like it at.
I'll see you all soon.